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191. antichange [20 Feb 2006|07:45pm]
[ mood | introspective ]

When we're young and get hurt, mommy or daddy (or a guardian) puts a bandaid on our booboo and kisses it to make us feel better (if we're lucky). If only things could be so easy once we grow up. I feel so depressed these days. I cry at night. I haven't cried in a while. But now I can't stop. I guess all these tears have been storing up inside of me.

I kept saying that I would take him on a walk with my dog (yes, this topic never gets old, eh?). But each day, I would put it off. Now it's too late. I just watched Elizabethtown a while back. I didn't really like the movie but the message kind of hit hard. Yet I didn't do anything about it.

My mom told me once that I was always a little slow growing up. I think I still am. For example, it took me extra long to learn how to swim, ride a bicycle: just everything. Although, in my defense, the only reason why it took so long for me to stay seated on a bike is that I was trying to ride with a flat tire. >_< But the point is that it takes me a long for things to set. Maybe I'm just stubborn (even with learning). I know I should change but it's so hard. It took me a while to get to where I am now. I think I just don't like changes. I really detest change: even if it's good for me. But once I adapt to the changes, I'm fine. It's the intermediate stage that's difficult for me. I don't know what would make it easier.

1 has written in the book of lovehave written in the book of love write it as you will

190. sad [17 Feb 2006|11:47pm]
[ mood | listless ]

I was at the store today buying some seeds to plant in his burial spot and saw all the Easter products. When I was little, I wasn't the best egg hunter. My brother would find all the eggs and I would be dejected. So they started putting eggs near my bird's cage or on top of it: somewhere I could find it. My brother rarely ventured near him because he was afraid of being bitten. I always took care of him so I had no such qualms. I think those were the only eggs I ever found. My brother always beat me to the other ones.

He loved eating apples. I tried to find a tree to plant but I couldn't find any. I guess it's too cold. Whenever we chopped apple slices (usually in the evening), he would ask to have some too. :] He hasn't been speaking as much the past few years. I guess all the changes had something to do with that. He wasn't around people as much (he used to be by the front door). In a way, he was like a guard bird. :) He would talk whenever he heard someone walking up the stairs. He even imitated the squeaking of the door. After the move, he continued to make that same sound. After we got our dog, he learned how to call out her name after a week. He was such a loyal pet. :(**** I think his safe place was taken away from him. He was away from his family.

I guess it's hard for me because I have regrets about the past few years. I don't think he was treated as well as he deserved. I feel horrible. I think this guilt and sadness is keeping me up at night. I also still can't get his image out of my mind. I hate thinking that he may have suffered in his final moments.

I'm not religious. I don't have a faith. I wonder where he is now. I only hope that he's in a better place. All dogs go to heaven. I hope all birds do too. :]

write it as you will

188. r.i.p. [16 Feb 2006|07:25pm]
[ mood | somber ]

Part of my daily routine is to feed my bird when I get home. That part of my day will never be the same again. :( I found him on the floor of his cage stiff and immobile. I screamed his name, hoping that he would respond. But nothing came out of his mouth. He didn't greet me as he normally does. I let out a cry. I still didn't want to believe that he was gone. He's supposed to live as long as a human. What took away this young life?

I've noticed a mouse scurrying from his cage these past two weeks. I set some sticky traps for it but it hasn't been caught. Could it be the culprit? Or did he just catch a disease and I didn't know it? It's gotten colder lately. There's so many things that could be wrong. Do pets get autopsies?

I got a box and something soft to cushion his body in and brought it to the cage. When I picked up his body and saw what had been done to him, I started crying. He had been decapitated. *sobs* My bird. :( I couldn't find his head anywhere. I know it sounds disgusting but I wanted to put his head with his body. I mean it would have been better if it had been attached and even better if he were still alive...His claws were clenched the way he does when I hold him in my hands. He wraps his claws together and I hold him upside down in the palm of my hands. Or I let him sit like that in my lap. *cries* No more. He's gone. Gone forever. I won't be able to hear him anymore, he won't bend his little neck to let me scratch it, or nuzzle me with his beak. He will not climb onto my hand and slowly make his way up my arm (painful it was).

When I was little, I would dream about the kind of house I would have when I grew up.  One "room" in my dream home was going to be an aviary for my bird.  The room would be brimming with plants and trees and he would have friends to play with him.  I would build the home myself or at least help design it.  My other idea would be a room with life-like plants painted on walls and everything else would be the same.  These past few years, I haven't been playing with him as much as I know I should.  Maybe he was lonely.  Lately, I've been saying to myself that I will go play with him on weekends.  Now there aren't any more weekends for him.  :(  This makes me so sad.  I need to find a spot to bury him.  I want to take him to a state park but that's illegal, isn't it?  He was my very first pet.  I thought he would live with me when I got married.  We would grow old together.  I used to think that he would outlive me.  I feel sick to my stomach.  And I can't get the image of him out of my head.  It's like I've lost a family member.

write it as you will

187. what happens when i'm sleepy [13 Feb 2006|07:52pm]
[ mood | mortified ]

When I left the building, my friend said he would be leaving soon too. I was going to wait to leave with him but I needed to use the bathroom so I said farewell and went on my merry way. On my way out, a guy waved at me and I waved back because I thought it was him. But afterwards, I thought "hmm, he doesn't look like that!" It was dark. >_< And he was far away so I couldn't see his face. But that was definitely not him. >_< Who was I waving at?

Worse yet, I ran a red light! I was preparing to stop but I noticed the car behind me inching close. I was afraid I would get hit so I just continued. >_< I really hope I don't get a ticket for this. >_< I can't afford it. But I also couldn't afford to have more back problems. I guess the fine will be better than another back injury. But I don't want a point (or is it two?) on my driving record. :( I noticed that the lady driver was talking on the cell phone. Maybe she wasn't paying attention. She was tailing me! >_< I wonder if I can get out of the ticket. >_< Probably not. Maybe I won't even get a ticket?

write it as you will

184. super watch! [11 Feb 2006|03:35pm]
I have been walking around watch-less for the past few days. The thought occurred to me this morning as I was out on a walk that it could very well be safely tucked in one of my pockets (since I have forgotten to take things out of my pockets many a time before). A split second later I regrettably remembered that I had a load of laundry in the washer. When I got home to transport the wet clothes from the washer to the dryer, I didn't notice anything shiny, so I breathed a sigh of relief. I went to retrieve the contents from the dryer and...there it was! I was worried that it wouldn't work anymore. But it's fine and dandy! My watch survived a washing and drying. I'm surprised. :-o

Whilst doing the laundry, I watched The Island. About a week ago, I saw the beginning of it where Jordan Two-Delta and Lincoln Six-Echo have their exchange in the mess hall. It was entertaining. ^_^ I didn't actually know anything about the movie when I watched it so it was like I was one of the characters. ^_^ Scarlett Johansson was paired with Ewan McGregor in The Island (and she meets Steve Buscemi again...I liked Ghost World ^_^). Apparently, she's dating Richard Archer of Hard-Fi. :-o
write it as you will

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